41 Reasons I Stay Motivated...Yes 41...50 was going to take too long

Hello readers (if I have any left)! I think today's post might be a little more serious than I normally get. I hope I don't lose you somewhere along the way. I'll try to make it interesting.

If you read my October blog then you know I go to the gym quite a bit. It's kinda my newest hobby now. Cooking was too expensive, I have no musical talent to speak of, and underground dancing lost it's appeal after I realized I had the rhythm of McLovin.

I've been working out for about 6 months now, and I LOVE it! One of the most commonly asked questions I get is "Wow, you are a sexy beast!" Oh, that was a statement not a question....awkward. Okay seriously the most commonly asked question I get is "How do you stay so motivated?" I can never answer this question because there is no ONE answer. There are a ton of things that keep me motivated to go to the gym day after day! Here is the list I have so far. Maybe a few will apply to you?!

1. I eat like a sumo wrestler in training. I have to keep it off somehow!

2. Summer 2012
3. My New Year resolution was to have abs by the end of this year. (cute abs, not scary abs)
  

Yes



No

4. Draw more attention to my super flat stomach rather than my super flat chest! (you can laugh, it's okay)
5. Skinny jeans
6. My boyfriend makes me (He goes and I feel like a fat slob if I don't lol)
7. Space in between my thighs
8. My arms don't keep waving after I stop saying goodbye

9. The hip-bone "v"
10. Gives me energy
11. I feel better
12. My health is better
13. It's fun (especially when you have a good partner)

14. It's time away from everything else
15. The compliments from Cory
16. The compliments from other women (you'd be surprised how much a compliment from the same sex really means)
17. The satisfaction a good work out provides
18. The confidence
19. The challenge
20. Be a good example for others
21. To one day be confident enough to work out in a sports bra and shorts so I can stop burning up in the gym
22. To be "that" girl at the pool
23. Play with my nephew and not die of a heart attack
24. See what my body is capable of
25. To be in the best shape I've ever been in
26. I want to be remembered as looking like this
27. I enjoy seeing the changes in my body
28. I'm tired of making excuses
29. To be able to say "I did it!"
30. I've never been the "hot girlfriend" in the group lol
31. I sleep better and longer
32. I don't want any regrets
33. I worry less about how clothes look on me
34. I want to be able to wear shorts and not have my thighs scream in agony
35. It doesn't bother me to have my picture taken
36. Still working on the "pooch" (girls know exactly what I'm talking about)
37. I want to master the pencil skirt!
38. I am more proud of myself now than I ever have been
39. Instead of competing with others I compete with myself now
40. I can be totally selfish. This is for me.

I realize I stopped using pictures at the beginning of the list, but the rest of them seemed like examples where I needed to put up a picture of myself and that wasn't happening!

41. Show people what I look like...

Hot chicks...they are overrated.

Women can be irrational! *Gasp* I am a woman so I can say that. I got to thinking the other day how we women tend to hear things differently than how they were told to us by a man. Now don't get me wrong, men say some stupid, stupid stuff, but sometimes women read way too much into what was said. Here are a few examples of men sticking their foot in their mouths and women being crazy!


Disclaimer: Only a few of these have actually happened to me, for the most part they are made up!


1. What he said: "Don't worry about me flirting with that hot chick at work. I would never date a girl who gets hit on a lot."

What she heard: "Don't worry about me flirting with that hot chick at work. I like to date girls who are hideous. I don't have to worry about her cheating on me because no other man will have her."

2. What he said: "We'll talk about moving to a different city when your job makes more than mine does."

What she heard: "We'll talk about moving to a different city when I start to care about your job."

3. What he said: "It's not cheating if I think you are dead!"

What she heard: "Of course I'd start dating three weeks after you are lost at sea."

4. What he said: "_________(name of ex) use to put tomatoes in the chili."

What she heard: "This chili sucks and _______(name of ex) puts yours to shame."

5. What he said: "Is that really what you are going to wear?"

What she heard: "You look terrible and I want you to change before I leave you."

6. What he said: "Did you see the way that girl's boobs were hanging out of her shirt?"

What she heard: "I was staring at that girl's boobs and noticed how flat chested you were."

7. What he said: "I don't feel too good. What was in that chicken pot pie?"

What she heard: "I don't feel too good. Did you try to poison me?"

8. What he said: "Mom thinks you should ____________"

What she heard: "My mom knows best and she hates you."

9. What he said: "I was talking to Mom the other day and she said we need to ____________"

What she heard: "My mom knows best and she hates you."

10. What he said: "We are going to be late if you don't hurry up."

What she heard: "My mom was never late, she hates you, and you are slower than Christmas."

Why I Go to the Gym

Let's just completely ignore the fact that I have not written a new post in months.

So, I joined a new gym! This is your typical man's gym. It smells like testosterone and sweat, no one cleans off the machines after they are done, and everyone has to talk louder than the person they are with. Despite all of that, I absolutely love it! Let me tell you why...it's entertaining!!! This place provides better people watching than Wal-Mart. I feel like Steve Irwin when I'm there. Let me tell you about some of them...

1. Mirror Hogs - The mirror hog can be found anywhere there is a rack of dumbbells and a mirror. They generally wear sleeveless shirts that are cut down to their waste, and always seem to have a camera or camera phone with them. It is not unusual for the mirror hog to take a picture break. It is also not unusual to catch them admiring themselves in the mirror while lifting the weights. If you watch long enough you'll catch the encouraging head nod they give to their reflection.

Story time: I was doing my "thang" (that's how they say it, "thang") anyways, I was working out and I looked over to this bench press where 4 guys were standing around this huge guy (let's call him Muscles) lifting weights. Muscles put the bar back on the rack, stood up, and took his shirt off. I figured he was hot. No, Muscles began posing in front of the mirror. What were the other 4 guys doing? Taking pictures. Muscles then pulled his shorts up to his groin and more pictures were taken. He did a 360 turn and then everyone clapped. I was mid-rep and did the open mouth stare. I felt like I was watching the "Sexy and I Know It" video. Now every time I see Muscles this is what I am imagining....

  

2. The Hairless Wonders - These guys are similar to the mirror hogs, but they are actually more into working out than they are posing. The hairless wonders are the body builders who shave every inch of their skin with a woman's Venus razor. They are well on their way to competitions so their skin must appear baby smooth at any given moment! I am actually secretly jealous of these guys because I envy their child like smoothness. Some hairless wonders cross the boundary into mirror hog like Muscles did, but generally they keep to themselves in the bathroom with their shaving gel.

3. The 15-year-olds - Every afternoon around 3:30 the gym is flooded with pimple-faced, gangly teens in search of muscles. They generally travel in packs dressed in sweat pants and sweat shirts trying to disguise the fact that they do not have what they are seeking. There is always one head 15-year-old leading the other lost looking teens. He is probably 16 and has been going to the gym for 5 months longer than they have so he is looked to as the expert as well as the ride to the gym. Their conversations are usually loud and consist of what girls they intend on making their girlfriend that week. I am pretty sure their moms come and pick them up from the gym if the 16-year-old lost his driving privileges that week. Thankfully I am rarely at the gym at this time so I am not subjected to their presence as often as the others on the list.

4. The Screamers - Far worse than the mirror hogs are the screamers. The mirror hogs command your attention by awkwardly flexing behind you because you dared to stand in front of their mirror. The screamers command your attention by frightening you every time they lift a weight. Each screamer has their own distinct sound. There is the excessive breather. He always sounds as if he is on the verge of a asthma attack with his loud inhales and exhales. There is the grunter. He sounds like a caveman wooing his mate each time he lifts a weight. Then there is the flat out screamer. He is in pain 99% of the time or it at least sounds like it. He yells things such as "ahhhhh!", "grarrr!," and "ONE MORE!" The screamers tend to travel alone for one obvious reason...no one wants to work out with them.

5. Dumbbell Divas - The female population at the gym is scarce. The females can mostly be found in the aerobics room and on the treadmills. However, there are a select few who venture away from the treadmill and find themselves in the land of the mirror hogs. I like to call these women the dumbbell divas. They generally wear stretchy shorts that are considered underwear outside the gym and a wife beater type tank top. In the winter months they will be found sporting their velour jogging pants. Their presence in the land of the mirror hog is quite entertaining. The mirror hog's focus is no longer on himself but on her. The dumbbell diva notices the attention and in turn ends up doing some sort of distracting exercise that is noticeable to everyone within a 20ft radius.

Now, let me end this blog by saying that this list only consists of 20% of the gym population. They just happen to be the most noticeable!

McDonalds is McFrustrating!

Does anyone else have difficulties ordering at McDonalds? I always have one of the following things happen:

Scenario 1:  Courtney mistakenly thinks the person is indeed ready to take her order when they say they are ready.

McDonalds: "Thank you for choosing McDonalds. Today's feature is an extra large heart attack. Go ahead with your order when you're ready."

Me: "Yes I'd like a..."

McDonalds:"Hold on a minute, please!"

Scenario 2: Courtney gets interrupted.

McDonalds: "Go ahead with your order."

Me: "I'd like two sweet teas, and..."

McDonalds: "Anything else?"

Me: "Yeah, I'd also like two apple dippers, and..."

McDonalds: "What else for you?"

Me: (sigh) "And, I also want two Grilled Chicken Wraps."

McDonalds: ..........

Me: "And that's all"

McDonalds: "Okay thank you pull around!"

Scenario 3: In order to not be interrupted, Courtney decides to say the entire order at once.

McDonalds: "Go ahead with your order when you are ready."

Me: "I'd like two apple dippers, two sweet teas, and two grilled Ranch wraps."

McDonalds: "You want two apple dippers and what?"

Scenario 4: Courtney apparently mumbles.

McDonalds: "We are featuring our McGreasy McGriddle today. Go ahead with your order when you are ready."

Me: "I want a McDouble, cheese only, and a small fry."

McDonalds: "Two double cheeseburgers and a small fry. Anything else?"

Scenario 5: All the scenarios combine!

McDonalds: "Today's McSpecial is a triple McBurger. Go ahead with your McOrder when you're McReady."

Me: "Yes I'd like a..."

McDonalds: "Hold one a minute please!"

McDonalds: "Okay go ahead with your order."

Me: "Yes, I'd like two apple dippers, two sweet teas..."

McDonalds: "You want two apple pies and what else?"

Me: "No, I want two apple dippers, two sweet teas..."

McDonalds: "Two apple dippers, a sweet tea, and is that all?"

Me: "Two apple dippers, two sweet teas, and two grilled chicken ranch wraps!"

McDonalds: "Okay your total is $7.38. We are only taking cash at this time."

Me: "I'M GOING TO TACO BELL!"

It was just supposed to be a 3 hour tour!!

Is it weird to go back and read your own blogs? I did this last night and I have one question for you people. Why are you still reading this crap?! I am the most random person, ever. I started the blog out as a "cookbook" thing, and we see how far that got. Then I decided I would do a daily list of random. Yeah, that lasted like a month. My final decent from my original plan was when I dropped Reader of the Week. What does that leave?? It leaves me typing away about useless random things. However, my last blog garnered 51 views so apparently I am doing something right! Kinda like Taylor Swift. Her voice sounds like a dying cat mated with an angsty teenage moose, but people still listen to her.

My dislike of Taylor Swift has been my only constant throughout the blog! This last joke was kind of hateful though.  I am convinced that her song "Mean" was written about me. Does that make me vain? Let's ask Carly Simon. Carly, your thoughts?

That spiraled downward pretty quickly didn't it? I'm just gonna move on to the topic I had originally planned to talk about.

Guys, have you ever completely crashed and burned when trying to talk to a girl? I have created a list of reasons as to why you probably got slapped, laughed at, or received a fake number.

1.) Poor hygiene - Showers, take them. Regularly. Toothbrushes are your friend. Toothpaste on the toothbrush is extra bonus points. No female wants to be hit on by someone who thinks showers after the gym are overrated. No female thinks that your "natural scent" is attractive. And no female will ever tell you that your long fingernails are a turn-on. Buy some fingernail clippers and start hacking.

2.) The background on your phone is a picture of yourself - Strategically setting your phone down in front of her so she will see the mirror picture of your abs will not impress her. It will weird her out. I promise.

3.) Within the first 5 minutes of the conversation you referrenced your ex-girlfriend - This is never a good idea. I don't care if your ex-girlfriend died in a tragic shrimp boating accident, don't bring her up. No girl wants to be compared to some dead saint who was saving baby shrimp off the coast of Africa. However, if you bash her you will come off as woman hating a-hole. Just don't bring up any ex. Ever.

4.) You forgot to hide your "trophies" - Asking a girl to come over to your house to watch a movie is a good idea. Asking a girl to come over to your house to watch a movie and forgetting to take down the women's underwear on the wall is a bad idea. This really happened to me. I didn't just make that up. I don't really know how to elaborate on this one. Just don't hang up women's underwear I guess is the moral of that story.

5.) You mentioned your wife - First don't go trolling in bars if you are married, second don't say things like this "She is in a coma at Vandy. It's not cheating if she is pretty much dead right?" or "She beats me and I come here to escape."

6.) Your ringtone was set to "Let's Get It On" - If you are going to choose a ringtone that is not a standard one that comes with the phone make sure it is not creepy. Also, make sure it does not reference "sexing" anyone up or "slapping hoes". Surprisingly enough a ringtone says a lot about you.

7.) You referred to your mother as a "female dog" - Calling your mom terrible names usually indicates you have some sort of issue with women. If you hate your mom just keep that under wraps until the girl thinks you are perfect. Spring it on her then.

8.) You made no eye contact at all - C'mon guys at least try to look at her face.

9.) You used a pick up line - Pick up lines can be clever and will sometimes work. However, if the pick up line is not delivered correctly or is just bad to begin with it will never end well.

10.) You asked a really really dumb question - I know that guys sometimes blank out and they have no idea where the conversation should go next. This is no excuse to ask stupid questions though. Silence is almost better. Let's say you see a pretty girl at a gas station pumping gas. You want to strike up a conversation. Do not ask her "Is that your car?" Of course it is her car idiot. Did you just hear yourself?

There are WAY more reasons guys strike out but my attention span started to lose steam around #8. I hope in the near future you will remember this list and thank me.

Warning: Sarcasm runs rampant in this post

Facebook. It makes me want to chuck my laptop out of the nearest window. I sometimes feel ashamed to own an account after signing on and reading some of my friends and friends of friends status updates. You might ask, "Why don't you just delete the weirdos?" I don't want to. That's why. It's like a car crash. I want to look away, but I just keep staring.


5 Reasons Facebook Makes Me Want to Burn My Laptop


1. Mirror pictures - Get a friend and have them take the picture for you. Your muscles, cute outfit, and new tattoos do not look good in a mirror picture. The phone is a big distraction in the picture. Stop it.

2. Mirror pictures with attention craving captions - "I feel so fat, blah!" or "Don't I look horrible after a run?" No, no you don't. If you did you would not post it on Facebook. 

Looking hideous today, ugh!

3. 15-year-olds - "OMGZZZZZ, Bobby totally just looked at me!!!!!!!!!" Your over use of exclamation points is annoying. No one is ever that excited. Bobby probably thinks you are a stalker now too. Oh, and put some clothes on in your profile picture. Pedophiles have Facebooks.

4. Unreadable status updates - "no1 can read mi status's" , i dnt use vwls whn i typ" , "I odn't poofread after i post soemthing"

5. The "everyday is a bad day" friend - You know who I'm talking about. This person never has a good word to say about their day or life in general. Typical status updates are generally along the lines of this: "when it rains it pours" , "maybe tomorrow will be better" , "some days I just don't want to get out of bed" , "my dog got run over again" , "life sucks and then you die"  Okay we get it. Your life is awful and now I want to come wallow in your self-pity with you. Let's put on some Alanis Morissette, eat ice cream on the couch, and watch "Old Yeller".

Dinosaurs do not get paychecks!

Since none of you felt the need to toss your nomination into the ring for Reader of the Year, I will not be addressing that topic in this blog. Just know...I am displeased.

Moving on from your insolence...I wanted to share with you a few inspirational quotes I found online while searching for a quote worth plagiarizing for my Facebook status. During my quest I stumbled upon this quote....

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.- Helen Keller


Does anyone else find this ironic? Or is it just me? Okay, let's keep going with the quest for inspirational Facebook statuses.

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. - Paul Valery

• So my dream about riding a magical unicorn across the night sky will come true when I wake up?! SWEET!

There is no failure except in no longer trying. - Elbert Hubbard

• Now, when I feel like dropping the bar on my chest and hoping for a quick death; I can remember this quote, and it will remind me that death in a self-inflicted weight lifting "accident" is failure. 

It is idle to dread what you cannot avoid. - Publius Syrus

• I have to disagree with Publius here. It is not idle to dread a large spider. I can avoid a spider. I can avoid a spider with the best of them!

You must look into other people as well as at them. - Lord Chesterfield

•  I understand what Lord Chesterfield is saying here, but I can see how this can be taken a little to literally. I mean look at this guy!

 

Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein

• Tell that to the kid who wanted to grow up and be a dinosaur! 
  

 

 

 

Donuts don't stand a chance!

Have you ever had so many thoughts going through your head that you just felt the need to write them down and share them with people on the internet? Well, get ready for the most random blog yet.

1. I have henceforth decided that there will no longer be a "Reader of the Week". Instead, I have decided to choose one lucky reader to be "Reader of the Year". Right now I am taking nominations. In the lead is Elke Porter with her amazing youtube find that she shared with me.

If you would like to nominate yourself for ROTY, you can look back on previous blog postings for ideas on how to get in my good graces. Good luck to all of you!

2. Remember how I told you that I had a trainer at the gym now? Yes, well....he wants to change my eating habits. He told me....it's so hard to type this....he told me I have to give up...JUNIOR MINTS! I feel so lost sitting here eating pineapple instead of Junior Mints. It doesn't seem right.

Look at how much more complicated this is! I have to unscrew the cap, find a ford, stab the pineapple, make sure I don't drip juice on me, and then screw the cap back on. With a box of Junior Mints all I had to do was open the box and eat the mints. Do you see where I am going with this?! Yes, that's right. Eating healthy is complicated. I knew you'd see my point.

3. There is a box of donuts sitting to my right. They are also much easier to eat than pineapple too. However, the force is strong in this one!

4. I am mad. I had a REALLY deep and insightful point to make here and after I spent 10 minutes typing it out the computer froze, kicked me off the internet, and didn't save what I had written! You know what, I'm not going to write it again. It was good too. You can all thank Mozilla Firefox for ruining this blog.

5. Okay, that was a bit melodramatic. However, I am still not going to retype everything. On a different note, I have decided that my nephew is the most adorable child to ever grace this planet. If you are a mother/father and are reading this...well, you just need to accept this fact. I mean, look at this picture!!

6. I've been flipped off a lot this week by strangers. I think it is because I am a good driver and they are not. I merely suggested with hand gestures to someone that they should indeed proceed me through the intersection even though I was clearly there first. They did not appreciate my kind gesture and flipped me off. I also told another driver with hand gestures that going 30 in a 40 was not safe. They also flipped me off. I was being so nice in these two situations and I only received inappropriate responses! People these days!

7. I don't like sandwich bags. Hear me out on this before you think I'm weird. I don't think it's the sandwich bag I dislike, I think it is the decision I have to make on portions that I hate. I'm always afraid I'll never put enough in the bag and I'll be hungry! Like today for instance, I just grabbed the entire bag of chips because I was starving at that time. Bad idea because now here the chips sit staring at me. But, had I packed a sandwich bag my mind would have told me that was not nearly enough. See my predicament?

Wow. I am almost ashamed of this post. It is the most random thing I do believe I have ever written. Why are you still reading this? Did you skip to the end? I would have.

Helen Keller would hate me

Hi, long time no see! I'm ALIVE! Yeah, this is the awkward part of the blog where I try and just jump back into it and hope that you didn't notice how long it's been since my last post. I'm pretty sure you noticed though. Anyway, here is a random list of things that has transpired since my last writing:

1.) I worked a lot.

2.) I got a new trainer at the gym.

3.) I almost died after my first workout.

4.) I almost died after my second workout.

5.) I didn't show up for the third workout.

6.) I went on vacation.

7.) I bruised my tailbone on vacation.

8.) I threw up on vacation.

9.) I went to my fourth workout.

10.) I can't feel my legs.

And that is my last couple of weeks in a nutshell. Are you impressed? You should be.

Today, I have decided to share with you a list of things that I want to complain about. I'm sure you don't want to read it, but I can't feel my legs AND I wore a white shirt in the rain today. That seems like enough excuses to be whiny. Right? Let's take a poll.

1.) I hate how people forget how to drive in Tennessee when it rains! For instance, on the interstate today, I felt as if almost every person around me had forgotten what their gas pedal did. "Oh gosh, I've hit 55 miles an hour perhaps I should slam on my brakes in order to slow down!"

2.) The express lanes at grocery stores bug me. They always have the longest lines. It completely defeats the purpose of an express lane. There will be 15 people in line with one item and all the other lanes will be open. Also, it never fails that someone who has lost the ability to count will get in the express lane. The sign clearly says 10 items and there is always that one person who likes to push the limit. "I have 20 small items. It won't take long."

3.) I don't understand why people continue to shoot off fireworks AFTER the 4th of July. Hey, you are no longer being patriotic and festive, you are being annoying! And to my neighbors who purchased ungodly amounts of useless bottle rockets, at least yell "God Bless America!" or "Let Freedom Ring" as you chase each other around the neighborhood with them. I'd be a little less annoyed.

4.) Emo kids. Really?? "Woe as me. I grew up in the suburbs. Both my parents love me. I have a dog named Scruff. I steal my mom's makeup and put it on the dark. I scrape my wrist with a safety pin to release the pain. I hate the sun. Hair cuts are overrated. My grandmother gave me $50 for my birthday. I dress just like my friends in an effort to be different. Life is terrible."

5.) And finally...I CANNOT stand when people have no idea that they are walking in the middle of the lane in grocery store parking lots. The lane is wide enough for two cars, yet a family of three somehow manages to block the entire thing. My favorite part is one of the family members suddenly realizes they are indeed in the middle of the lane and attempts to herd the rest of the family off to the side. Or another good scenario is when a couple decides to be all lovey-dovey in the middle of the lane and when you start creeping up behind them in hopes they will move they shoot you dirty looks for ruining their "moment". You know what, stop having "moments" in a parking lot and I'll stop ruining them.

I mean c'mon now! Look at all that room to scoot over! They are right in the middle!

Well I feel better now. I hope you enjoyed my rant(s). If you are a 20 item person, emo kid, half of the lovey-dovey lane taker-upper couple, terrible bad weather driver, or an after 4th of July fireworks shooter, I hope we can still be friends after this!

Oh, Ryan...why do you elude me?

I have not been in a very bloggy mood here lately! Mainly because I couldn't think of anything to write about. My creative well ran dry for a few days. Before I begin again, here is the daily list of random!

1.) Better late than never...the Reader of the Week this week is....Sierra Dickerson! She begged to be ROTW. It was really sad and pathetic. I couldn't tell her no. She was so pitiful trying to suck up to me. So, congratulations Sierra Dickerson on being this week's Reader of the Week.

2.) I just found a check written to me by my employer from November 19th, 2010. It is only for $13.59, do you think they will still cash it or it has it probably been cancelled? I was pretty excited when I found it so hopefully they will still honor it! That is like 6 boxes of Junior Mints!

3.) I have decided that I want to become more organized!! I need your help. I would like a small filing cabinet. Maybe something like this:

 Or like this:

If you see one, please let me know. I don't want to spend more than $10 so a gently used yard sale filing cabinet will work nicely. Whoever finds me one will be ROTW automatically!



I decided to reach back in time a little bit and break out a game that is well known to all the ladies who grew up in the late 80s and early 90s. That game is...M.A.S.H! In case you lived under a rock during those years, M.A.S.H was a game that girls played to predict their future. The letters stood for mansion, apartment, shack, and house. Under these letters were several categories that required you to fill in three to four corresponding answers. We always made the person pick one answer per category that they did not want to end up with in their future. The more creative your friends, the more categories the game had. Here is an example below:

I was feeling nostalgic, so I made one of my own today. I tried to take a picture, but it was not clear so here is a typed version of my M.A.S.H.

So, after Danny and I get married on the beach we are going to jet off to the majestic land of Gatlinburg. After our honeymoon we will return to our apartment in California where will we adopt a tabby cat and I will find a job as a police officer. Shortly thereafter we will conceive our only child. In my postpartum depression I will buy my fast black Camaro. The end.

Danny at our wedding

Dear Courtney...

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and slap yourself in the head and say, "Stop it!"? Don't hate me for ripping off Brad Paisley but.....

Dear 16-year-old Courtney,

Put down the homework. I know that is what you are doing right now. Stop it. High school does not have to be as serious as you are making it. I promise. You will still graduate with a perfectly acceptable GPA and get into college. The college English class is a good idea so don't drop it, but there is no need for Honors Algebra 2. You suck at math, don't torture yourself.

Don't paint your room that awful color blue. I know you have not picked out the color yet, but you'll know it when you see it. Don't do it.

Your hair is a hot mess. Go look in the mirror. Do you see that?? Buy a straightener a.s.a.p. You'll appreciate this when you look back on your year book pictures. If you don't buy one, prepare to be made fun of in the future. Trust me, I know.

I know it is hard but make sure you visit Grandmother a lot. You'll wish you had.

I hate to break it to you like this, but you break up with "Bob" in two years. I know you thought you'd be together forever blah blah blah. Sorry to be so blunt, but at least now you will consider taking that UT scholarship. I'm not saying take it, but at least think about your options. Don't let a boy dictate where you go to college.

Speaking of college....HAVE FUN! You definitely do NOT have to make straight As. I know you will think that you do, but you don't. Go out. Meet people. Make sure you take as many of Dr. Smith's classes as possible. However, make sure you are awake when you attend her classes. Turn down the nomination for Homecoming queen...it was embarrassing. Oh, and please, please, please don't take Intermediate Algebra. You suck at math but not that badly. It was a giant waste of your time.


I know there is a lot more I could say, but I am actually writing this on a blog too and I didn't want my readers to get bored. Just so you know you have an awesome blog called Cowboy Cookies and thousands hundreds a few people actually read it! Remember, "don't be sad, be awesome instead."


Love always,
Your (almost) 23-year-old self

Teddy Ruxpin knows when you are sleeping

Happy Friday, Readers! There is not going to be a daily list of random today because I am entirely too lazy to think of things to put on the list. However, I have chosen a Reader of the Week!

**********drum roll**********

Doralyn Liddell

Dora just graduated from nursing school! She also always comments on my blogs. Which gave her way more points than the nursing degree. Congratulations Dora on being this week's ROTW! Your prize is eternal friendship. You're welcome.

*****If you were an 80s or 90s child you will understand and appreciate the content contained in this blog.*****

How many of you have looked back on your childhood and thought, "Wow, we had some creepy toys." And by creepy I mean that the toy produced a terror in your soul that would haunt you in your dreams years down the road. Of course at the time we thought these instruments of Satan were fun and cuddly. Looking back now though we see that these toys were obviously not created by people who had children. Or even knew what a child looked like. 

Take for instance the Teddy Ruxpin. Teddy was an easy way for parents to get out of reading stories to their children. In 1992 he appeared to be a soft cuddly bear who would read stories to you and take you on splendid adventures. Looking back I have no idea why I was not curled up in the fetal position hiding under my bed. They gave him amber colored eyes. Who gives a bear red eyes?? They also poorly disguised the tape player inside his body so he constantly made grinding and popping noises. I found my Teddy Ruxpin in the garage last year and much to my horror...he still worked. His batteries had to be almost 15 years old, but yet he still talked! You can't tell me that isn't creepy! Here is a video I took of my Teddy...if you listen closely you can hear him summon the Dark Lord.

 

There was one toy that I believe struck fear into the hearts of children even back in the 90s. It was creepy then and it is creepy now. That toy was the Furby!

I can't even look at it! Why doesn't it have arms?? The makers of this toy intended for it to be like a replacement pet. They gave it the ability to to play and learn without you having to clean up after it. Why did I want an armless hard ball of fur to play with?? The creators of this demon toy had a cruel sense of humor though. Does everyone remember this seemingly cuddly animal??

You see my point now?! I had a very frightening run-in with my Furby that resulted in it having its batteries ripped from it. In an effort to make it even more creepy the creators made it so that the furry demon could sense light. It also would learn your name and imitate the phone ringing. I couldn't ever get it to shut up at night because I had a street light that shined in my window. I decided to stick the fur ball in my closet one night in an effort to get some sleep. In the darkness this is what I heard...

Well you know what Furby?! I'm scared of the dark now too. Thanks.

One final creepy toy of the 80s and 90s is the American Girl dolls. I can't believe they are still around. I don't care what anyone says, they are not cute or adorable. They are weird. They don't bend. They stand up on their own. And they stare at you in the night.

Look at them. It's like a little army of possessed dolls. Have you ever woken up to one of these staring at you?? It's terrifying. And why do people want one that looks just like them? I don't want a doll version of myself staring at me while I sleep. *shudder*

Well that was a fun rant. Hope you enjoyed that. I'm probably going to have nightmares now.

Don't get too excited...it's not that good.

By a show of hands, who all thought I was dead? Anyway....here is the exceptionally long list of all the things you've missed in my absence.

1.) I got married! And I have a kid!

Okay I wasn't gone that long, but you gotta admit...it was a long time.

2.) I have not had Junior Mints in two weeks! Say whaaat?! I felt like I was consuming an unhealthy amount of them so I decided to back off.

3.) I bought the coolest shirt ever yesterday!

4.) I have gotten a tiny bit better at softball. I have not done anything stupid in the past 4 games which is a major improvement! I was beginning to think I was the sucky kid who no one wanted to play with but they gotta have 10 players so they let me play anyway. I actually still think that, BUT I'm not AS sucky as I was at the beginning. Baby steps!

5.) I saw the must disturbing, weird, gross-looking thing at the mall...

Ahh!! It's the Cookie Monster!!! Ha. Get it? Cause she is on a cookie....?

*cough*

Why would anyone do this to a cookie? Cookies are the embodiment of all things good and these people ruined it.

6.) Lebanon has a Dairy Queen now! Words cannot describe how happy I am about this. Apparently it has been here for a few weeks and I was completely unaware!! I'm considering an Oreo Blizzard after I get off work actually.

7.) Earlier today someone asked me if I was old enough to drive. Really? Seriously? I've been over the age of 16 for 7 years now!! And the first person to tell me in the comments "you'll appreciate that when you're 40" will be banned from my blog...forever.

8.) Doralynn I just read my Facebook....you are banned.


That was a lot of writing for my first day back! I think I'll stop while I'm ahead.

And that's why I'm awesome

The blog today is going to be a long one. I hope I do not lose you somewhere a long the way. I'll throw in a lot of pictures to keep you amused! Here is the daily list of random.

1.) I've discovered this juice called GoodBelly. It is a probiotic that helps your digestive tract. I think yogurt was created by the Devil so I do not get the regular dose of probiotics that I need. I paid $3.00 for a carton of Pomegranate Blackberry flavored GoodBelly juice. This is not regular juice people. I don't know what it is. It is the consistency of skim milk and looks like blood. It tastes alright, but I don't think I'll be spending $3.00 on it again anytime soon. It kind of freaks me out.

2.) I have not had Junior Mints in almost a week. I've having withdrawals. I don't believe in moderation when it comes to Junior Mints so I had to quit them cold-turkey. Me thinks this was a bad idea.

It is really hard to draw stick figures twitching in the fetal position. Use your imagination.

3.) I'd probably sell one of my unimportant organs for an Oreo Blizzard right now. Or for a box of Junior Mints.



Okay moving right along into story time! Today's story is brought to you by the year 1992.

This is the story about how I saved my best friend's life. I am going to be honest. This story is slightly fabricated because I was only four when it happened. I remember the major parts but some have been filled in through the power of imagination.

Every summer from 1992 til 1997 I attended a day-time summer camp. This place was a kiddie paradise. Three playgrounds, big in-ground pool, and a barn full of games and toys. The only bad part about the camp was Playground 2. I hated Playground 2. Every manner of insect lived on that playground. The worst part was the long walk. It was located at the very edge of the farm in some woods. The owner kept the grass tall to bail it up later for hay so there was a straight path cut through a field to get the dreaded playground. In this tall grass lived swarms of very large bees. These were mutant bees!! They were huge and black and sounded like a small jet plane when they flew past your ear.

 This is in no way an exaggeration ....

My favorite movie at this time was the newly released "My Girl". If you have seen this movie you know that the main character's best friend is killed when a swarm of bees attack him. Okay, now imagine my 4-year-old horror at having to walk through a field of them. My best friend just happened to be a boy who wore glasses just like the character that had died. I was convinced that poor Andrew was a goner if the bees turned on us. I decided that I would protect him on our first journey through the field. I grabbed Andrew's hand and made him sprint with me so as to avoid his untimely death. We made it to the other side unscathed thankfully. Andrew was not actually allergic to bees but at that age I just assumed if a lot of them stung you that you died. I saw bees as an insect that would murder you in your sleep with no remorse.

And that's the story about how I saved my best friend's life...and why I'm awesome.

Cicadas...they are evil, and talk with an accent.

Happy Wednesday! I know most, if not all of you, are excited about getting over the "hump" in the week. Here is the daily list of random!

1.) If you are a prayerful person I'd like for you to remember one of Meals on Wheels recipients in your prayers tonight. She was gardening today and fell down. Her neighbor called 9-1-1 and she was rushed to the hospital. I have not heard any more news, I am just hoping she is okay. Please send good thoughts her way!

2.) I had my first encounter with a cicada today. I'm not going to lie, it was frightening. I know now why everyone is freaking out about them. It flew directly into my ear. Actually, it dive bombed me! Here is an exact rendering of what happened:

Yes, I yelled in slow motion. And yes, the cicada spoke like a pirate.

3.) I am very depressed about my car. I have kept it immaculate (on the outside) since the day I bought it and now it is covered in cicada guts. I'm convinced they stain your windshield. I can't get them off! They don't just hit your windshield either. They smash into it full force and then violently explode. It's like they are under the impression they will receive 72 virgin cicadas upon impact.

It is now time for What I'm Loving Wednesday!

1. I am loving the fact that it is swimming pool weather!

2. I am loving that in 9 days I get to see Willie Nelson live in Nashville!

3. I am loving my gradually growing hair that is now almost to my shoulder blades!

4. I am loving this new book I'm reading, even though it keeps me up late at night because I can't put it down.

5. I am love, love, loving my newly discovered obsession with Apple Cranberry juice!



That's all for today! Tomorrow will be story time again!

And that's why yellow makes me sad...

Hello my dear Readers!! I have been out of commission for 3 days now because some evil person infected my computer with a virus!

I have a lot to share with you so here is the always entertaining list of randomness:


1.) I attempted to make fudge cake for Cookbook Monday. It was so awful I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture of it. Mammy's instructions were to "cook it slowly". There was no degree for the oven or a time for the timer. I was simply supposed to "cook it slowly". I put the oven on 350 and it was still bubbly and runny after 30 minutes. I decided to leave it 15 more minutes. Somehow it instantly decided to cook and it became a blackened brick. Needless to say I was very distraught! Next Monday is "Tanya's Sugar Cookies." Hopefully I won't screw those up too!

This is a dramatization of what my cake looked like. 

 

2.) Here is another shortened, condensed version of "What I'm Loving Wednesday": 1.) People who don't abuse coupons, 2.) the new Kroger, and 3.) no cicadas in my yard!

3.) Short and sweet "Thankful Thursday": 1.) No cicadas in my yard, 2.) my sweet, adorable nephew, and 3.) Baked Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips

4.) Fun fact Friday!

If you are over 100 years old, there is an 80% chance you are a woman.

 

5.) There were two competitors for Reader of the Week this time. It was a tight race but someone had to come out on top. This week's ROTW is....*pause for suspense*....Jamie Cook! She told me that she missed my randomness and she also comments on every blog. I think she is stalking me, but I consider that a form of flattery so I'll let it pass. Jamie, for your prize, you will receive a lock of my hair to add to your shrine. You're welcome.


Today, I am going to tell you about my first and only fight I ever got into! Let me start off with some back story.

The fight occurred in the summer of 1993. I was 5-years-old. Don't ask me how or why I remember this...I just do. I was under the impression that I was just "one of the guys". I refused to play with the other girls on the playground. I also would only wear black high tops as seen in the picture below.

All that being said, I was not afraid to say I'd fight other boys in order to prove I was tough enough to play with them. One day my group of friends decided to pick on the weird kid at day care. He never combed his hair and wore shoes that didn't match. That was grounds for getting beat up when you are 5. I was the yellow power ranger and my friends were the other colors.

 

I leaped from my perch on top of the concrete tunnel and kicked the poor kid right in the butt. The chase was on then. He ran fast for a kid who was wearing two different shoes. We finally cornered him up against the fence using our imaginary weapons. He was yelling at us to leave him alone and we were yelling random quotes from episodes we had seen. Feeling trapped and out numbered he decided to attempt a last ditch attempt at freedom. So he karate kicked me right in the mouth. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, but it hurt. A lot. Probably a lot more than his kick in the butt I gave him. Anyways, the yellow Power Ranger was down and the rest of my group was crowded around me. My sister swooped in out of nowhere and scooped me up. She ran me inside where I was given an icy pop by a teacher. The pampering lasted about 5 minutes until it was discovered that I was the one who started the fight. I had to sit in time out until my mom picked me up.

The moral of the story? The yellow Power Ranger sucked. No one liked her anyway.