So, I joined a new gym! This is your typical man's gym. It smells like testosterone and sweat, no one cleans off the machines after they are done, and everyone has to talk louder than the person they are with. Despite all of that, I absolutely love it! Let me tell you why...it's entertaining!!! This place provides better people watching than Wal-Mart. I feel like Steve Irwin when I'm there. Let me tell you about some of them...
1. Mirror Hogs - The mirror hog can be found anywhere there is a rack of dumbbells and a mirror. They generally wear sleeveless shirts that are cut down to their waste, and always seem to have a camera or camera phone with them. It is not unusual for the mirror hog to take a picture break. It is also not unusual to catch them admiring themselves in the mirror while lifting the weights. If you watch long enough you'll catch the encouraging head nod they give to their reflection.
Story time: I was doing my "thang" (that's how they say it, "thang") anyways, I was working out and I looked over to this bench press where 4 guys were standing around this huge guy (let's call him Muscles) lifting weights. Muscles put the bar back on the rack, stood up, and took his shirt off. I figured he was hot. No, Muscles began posing in front of the mirror. What were the other 4 guys doing? Taking pictures. Muscles then pulled his shorts up to his groin and more pictures were taken. He did a 360 turn and then everyone clapped. I was mid-rep and did the open mouth stare. I felt like I was watching the "Sexy and I Know It" video. Now every time I see Muscles this is what I am imagining....
2. The Hairless Wonders - These guys are similar to the mirror hogs, but they are actually more into working out than they are posing. The hairless wonders are the body builders who shave every inch of their skin with a woman's Venus razor. They are well on their way to competitions so their skin must appear baby smooth at any given moment! I am actually secretly jealous of these guys because I envy their child like smoothness. Some hairless wonders cross the boundary into mirror hog like Muscles did, but generally they keep to themselves in the bathroom with their shaving gel.
3. The 15-year-olds - Every afternoon around 3:30 the gym is flooded with pimple-faced, gangly teens in search of muscles. They generally travel in packs dressed in sweat pants and sweat shirts trying to disguise the fact that they do not have what they are seeking. There is always one head 15-year-old leading the other lost looking teens. He is probably 16 and has been going to the gym for 5 months longer than they have so he is looked to as the expert as well as the ride to the gym. Their conversations are usually loud and consist of what girls they intend on making their girlfriend that week. I am pretty sure their moms come and pick them up from the gym if the 16-year-old lost his driving privileges that week. Thankfully I am rarely at the gym at this time so I am not subjected to their presence as often as the others on the list.
4. The Screamers - Far worse than the mirror hogs are the screamers. The mirror hogs command your attention by awkwardly flexing behind you because you dared to stand in front of their mirror. The screamers command your attention by frightening you every time they lift a weight. Each screamer has their own distinct sound. There is the excessive breather. He always sounds as if he is on the verge of a asthma attack with his loud inhales and exhales. There is the grunter. He sounds like a caveman wooing his mate each time he lifts a weight. Then there is the flat out screamer. He is in pain 99% of the time or it at least sounds like it. He yells things such as "ahhhhh!", "grarrr!," and "ONE MORE!" The screamers tend to travel alone for one obvious reason...no one wants to work out with them.
5. Dumbbell Divas - The female population at the gym is scarce. The females can mostly be found in the aerobics room and on the treadmills. However, there are a select few who venture away from the treadmill and find themselves in the land of the mirror hogs. I like to call these women the dumbbell divas. They generally wear stretchy shorts that are considered underwear outside the gym and a wife beater type tank top. In the winter months they will be found sporting their velour jogging pants. Their presence in the land of the mirror hog is quite entertaining. The mirror hog's focus is no longer on himself but on her. The dumbbell diva notices the attention and in turn ends up doing some sort of distracting exercise that is noticeable to everyone within a 20ft radius.
Now, let me end this blog by saying that this list only consists of 20% of the gym population. They just happen to be the most noticeable!
