And that's why I'm awesome

The blog today is going to be a long one. I hope I do not lose you somewhere a long the way. I'll throw in a lot of pictures to keep you amused! Here is the daily list of random.

1.) I've discovered this juice called GoodBelly. It is a probiotic that helps your digestive tract. I think yogurt was created by the Devil so I do not get the regular dose of probiotics that I need. I paid $3.00 for a carton of Pomegranate Blackberry flavored GoodBelly juice. This is not regular juice people. I don't know what it is. It is the consistency of skim milk and looks like blood. It tastes alright, but I don't think I'll be spending $3.00 on it again anytime soon. It kind of freaks me out.

2.) I have not had Junior Mints in almost a week. I've having withdrawals. I don't believe in moderation when it comes to Junior Mints so I had to quit them cold-turkey. Me thinks this was a bad idea.

It is really hard to draw stick figures twitching in the fetal position. Use your imagination.

3.) I'd probably sell one of my unimportant organs for an Oreo Blizzard right now. Or for a box of Junior Mints.



Okay moving right along into story time! Today's story is brought to you by the year 1992.

This is the story about how I saved my best friend's life. I am going to be honest. This story is slightly fabricated because I was only four when it happened. I remember the major parts but some have been filled in through the power of imagination.

Every summer from 1992 til 1997 I attended a day-time summer camp. This place was a kiddie paradise. Three playgrounds, big in-ground pool, and a barn full of games and toys. The only bad part about the camp was Playground 2. I hated Playground 2. Every manner of insect lived on that playground. The worst part was the long walk. It was located at the very edge of the farm in some woods. The owner kept the grass tall to bail it up later for hay so there was a straight path cut through a field to get the dreaded playground. In this tall grass lived swarms of very large bees. These were mutant bees!! They were huge and black and sounded like a small jet plane when they flew past your ear.

 This is in no way an exaggeration ....

My favorite movie at this time was the newly released "My Girl". If you have seen this movie you know that the main character's best friend is killed when a swarm of bees attack him. Okay, now imagine my 4-year-old horror at having to walk through a field of them. My best friend just happened to be a boy who wore glasses just like the character that had died. I was convinced that poor Andrew was a goner if the bees turned on us. I decided that I would protect him on our first journey through the field. I grabbed Andrew's hand and made him sprint with me so as to avoid his untimely death. We made it to the other side unscathed thankfully. Andrew was not actually allergic to bees but at that age I just assumed if a lot of them stung you that you died. I saw bees as an insect that would murder you in your sleep with no remorse.

And that's the story about how I saved my best friend's life...and why I'm awesome.

Cicadas...they are evil, and talk with an accent.

Happy Wednesday! I know most, if not all of you, are excited about getting over the "hump" in the week. Here is the daily list of random!

1.) If you are a prayerful person I'd like for you to remember one of Meals on Wheels recipients in your prayers tonight. She was gardening today and fell down. Her neighbor called 9-1-1 and she was rushed to the hospital. I have not heard any more news, I am just hoping she is okay. Please send good thoughts her way!

2.) I had my first encounter with a cicada today. I'm not going to lie, it was frightening. I know now why everyone is freaking out about them. It flew directly into my ear. Actually, it dive bombed me! Here is an exact rendering of what happened:

Yes, I yelled in slow motion. And yes, the cicada spoke like a pirate.

3.) I am very depressed about my car. I have kept it immaculate (on the outside) since the day I bought it and now it is covered in cicada guts. I'm convinced they stain your windshield. I can't get them off! They don't just hit your windshield either. They smash into it full force and then violently explode. It's like they are under the impression they will receive 72 virgin cicadas upon impact.

It is now time for What I'm Loving Wednesday!

1. I am loving the fact that it is swimming pool weather!

2. I am loving that in 9 days I get to see Willie Nelson live in Nashville!

3. I am loving my gradually growing hair that is now almost to my shoulder blades!

4. I am loving this new book I'm reading, even though it keeps me up late at night because I can't put it down.

5. I am love, love, loving my newly discovered obsession with Apple Cranberry juice!



That's all for today! Tomorrow will be story time again!

And that's why yellow makes me sad...

Hello my dear Readers!! I have been out of commission for 3 days now because some evil person infected my computer with a virus!

I have a lot to share with you so here is the always entertaining list of randomness:


1.) I attempted to make fudge cake for Cookbook Monday. It was so awful I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture of it. Mammy's instructions were to "cook it slowly". There was no degree for the oven or a time for the timer. I was simply supposed to "cook it slowly". I put the oven on 350 and it was still bubbly and runny after 30 minutes. I decided to leave it 15 more minutes. Somehow it instantly decided to cook and it became a blackened brick. Needless to say I was very distraught! Next Monday is "Tanya's Sugar Cookies." Hopefully I won't screw those up too!

This is a dramatization of what my cake looked like. 

 

2.) Here is another shortened, condensed version of "What I'm Loving Wednesday": 1.) People who don't abuse coupons, 2.) the new Kroger, and 3.) no cicadas in my yard!

3.) Short and sweet "Thankful Thursday": 1.) No cicadas in my yard, 2.) my sweet, adorable nephew, and 3.) Baked Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips

4.) Fun fact Friday!

If you are over 100 years old, there is an 80% chance you are a woman.

 

5.) There were two competitors for Reader of the Week this time. It was a tight race but someone had to come out on top. This week's ROTW is....*pause for suspense*....Jamie Cook! She told me that she missed my randomness and she also comments on every blog. I think she is stalking me, but I consider that a form of flattery so I'll let it pass. Jamie, for your prize, you will receive a lock of my hair to add to your shrine. You're welcome.


Today, I am going to tell you about my first and only fight I ever got into! Let me start off with some back story.

The fight occurred in the summer of 1993. I was 5-years-old. Don't ask me how or why I remember this...I just do. I was under the impression that I was just "one of the guys". I refused to play with the other girls on the playground. I also would only wear black high tops as seen in the picture below.

All that being said, I was not afraid to say I'd fight other boys in order to prove I was tough enough to play with them. One day my group of friends decided to pick on the weird kid at day care. He never combed his hair and wore shoes that didn't match. That was grounds for getting beat up when you are 5. I was the yellow power ranger and my friends were the other colors.

 

I leaped from my perch on top of the concrete tunnel and kicked the poor kid right in the butt. The chase was on then. He ran fast for a kid who was wearing two different shoes. We finally cornered him up against the fence using our imaginary weapons. He was yelling at us to leave him alone and we were yelling random quotes from episodes we had seen. Feeling trapped and out numbered he decided to attempt a last ditch attempt at freedom. So he karate kicked me right in the mouth. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, but it hurt. A lot. Probably a lot more than his kick in the butt I gave him. Anyways, the yellow Power Ranger was down and the rest of my group was crowded around me. My sister swooped in out of nowhere and scooped me up. She ran me inside where I was given an icy pop by a teacher. The pampering lasted about 5 minutes until it was discovered that I was the one who started the fight. I had to sit in time out until my mom picked me up.

The moral of the story? The yellow Power Ranger sucked. No one liked her anyway.

Dear Self, You are not Babe Ruth. Love, Yourself

Wow. I am so sorry to anyone that actually keeps up with my blog! To make up for my absence I plan to cover the daily list of random, What I'm Loving Wednesday, Thankful Thursday, and Fun Fact Friday all in one list! Prepare to have your mind blown!

1. I participated in my first game of softball after five long years of not playing. One word will sum up my experience: Ouch.  Instead of taking it slow and playing it safe I went all out in an effort to prove to my new teammates that I didn't suck after five years of inactivity. I don't think I succeeded. The first thing that went wrong was that they put me in outfield. I told them that I could only play infield due to my horrible depth perception. Staying true to my word that I sucked in the outfield, two balls came my way and I missed both of them. By a lot. I didn't even come close to the second one.

 Besides this guy being black..and a guy...this is exactly how the play went down.

So I told myself to shake it off and do better in the batter's box. They put as last to bat. My pride was hurt but when I struck out the first time I agreed they had made the right decision. Thankfully, I hit every time after that. Even if they were crappy hits I still made contact with the ball. My shining moment was when I decided to really prove myself and steal home. I was running my little heart out completely unaware that the catcher was about to catch the ball at home. I decided a little too late to slide. I ran smack into her and ended up on the ground with my foot on the plate.

 This is an exact reenactment of what happened.

I was safe!! I scored a run! Me! The sucky last to bat right fielder scored a run! However I bruised my shin, skinned my elbow, and bruised my lower left rib. I am hoping next Monday I do better.

2. Here is "What I'm Loving Wednesday" in a nutshell: old people, birds that eat cicadas, bagel bites, and coupons for expensive juice.

3. Thankful Thursday in a nutshell: pains pills, heating pads, Benedryl, and birds that eat cicadas.

4. Fun Fact Friday: Here is a bit of irony for you...

Jim Henson developed an allergy to fleece.

5. This week's Reader of the Week is....*drum roll*....Andrew James! Andrew is one of my nearest and dearest childhood friends. He lives in Washington D.C. now and I don't get to see him nearly as much as I would like to. I got to eat lunch with Andrew this week and since he regularly comments on my blog I decided to choose him to be ROTW! Your prize is that everyone gets to look at this adorable picture of me and you and say "awww!" You're welcome!

This took me three hours to write! I am done for today. It was kind of lame, I know. I promise to get back on track one of these days! Until tomorrow I leave you with this thought that has been bugging me...what language (if any) do hearing impaired people think in?

Machetes must be more efficient

Happy Saturday! I am sorry I skipped yesterday! I'll make up for it today, promise. Let's get started.

1.) This is a special edition of Reader of the Week because there are two!! The first is....Dr. Catherine Smith! She was just picked as Teacher of the Year at Cumberland University, and I for one, couldn't be happier for her. She was one of the best teacher's I ever had at CU. She is also a daily reader of Cowboy Cookies which is the main reason she got picked this week :-)  The second Reader of the Week was a late write in. Congratulations Chad Jones! Chad, without being asked, brought me a box of Junior Mints to work. His thoughtfulness won him a spot as ROTW. Both of you will receive fame from my blog as well as from my Facebook posting. That is a double dose! You're welcome!

2.) I finally found a softball team to play on in my old age! I've been looking for a women's slow pitch softball team for 18+ and I have finally found one! My first game is on Monday. I am nervous and excited at the same time. It' been 5 years since I last played an organized game of softball. I have 3 goals for the game:
                        1. Avoid getting hit in the face
                        2. Hit the ball at least once
                        3. Don't embarrass myself

Do you see what I did there? I put a list within a list.

3. Fun Fact Friday!!

The number of axe murders has dropped every year in the United States since 1970, while machete murders have nearly quadrupled.

I just remembered I didn't ever tell you the story about how I almost got arrested at basketball game! However, I have decided not to tell the story. Upon reflection it was not my proudest moment. Though it was hilarious and I incited a riot I think it's best I just leave that story alone.



I'm losing steam today so I'm going to go ahead and end it here. I will probably have a wonderful story to tell you about my softball game on Monday. I hope you have a happy Mother's Day!

Coupons for Bagel Bites?! No way!!!

¡Hola mis estimados lectores! ¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! I am not sure if what I said is correct, but we will go with it! In honor of yet another holiday that makes no sense for Americans to celebrate, I have posted my favorite politically incorrect video!

I have neglected the daily list of random lately, but it's back now!

1.) My job frequently involves people asking me questions. Good questions, stupid questions, insightful questions, weird questions..questions, questions, questions. I really think that some of these people are under the impression that I have a crystal ball sitting in front of me. I wonder if this is what people picture me doing when I say "I don't know".

2.) If you do not poke holes in your $.69 Banquet pot pie before you heat it up it ends up looking disfigured.

3.) I discovered that among my 40 readers, my mother is not one of them. She admitted she did not read my blog nor did she intend on doing so. I forced her to at least look at my pictures, but I realized that most of my pictures did not make sense without the text. I know who won't be getting an autographed laptop when I become famous!


Today is Thankful Thursday!

Today I am thankful for....

1.) Tasty $.69 pot pies

2.) Free donuts

3.) Oil prices dropping 9% today

4.) All our armed forces who fight daily to keep us safe

5.) Coupons for $1.00 off Bagel Bites

Is it Thursday yet?

Today is supposed to be "What I'm Loving Wednesday". However, I think I could write a longer blog on "What I'm Not Loving Wednesday". I went against my gut instinct and actually got out of bed at 8am this morning. My body and mind were telling me get back under the covers, but I ignored both. My day pretty much went downhill from that point.

I typed out five things that contributed to my awful day, but I erased them because I didn't want first time readers to think I was a Debbie Downer. Maybe "What I'm Loving Wednesday" will improve my mood....

I'm loving...

The weather we had today! It was sunny but not melt-your-face-off hot.

The fact that I finally have a tan! Sort of. I am at least a darker shade of pale now!

My new sheets I bought at the Southern Women's Show. They are 800 thread-count. I feel fancy!

I am getting a lot of feedback on my blog! I estimated that I have about 40 readers now!



It's short and sweet today. I am in a mood that is not conducive to blogging! Check back tomorrow for a story on how I almost got arrested at basketball game!

Your baby is so....small?

I'm going to skip the daily list of random and launch right into the topic today. I think we can all relate to what I'm going to talk about.

Have you ever been caught in an awkward social situation? You know what I'm talking about. Everything is going great and then BAM, the large awkward pink walrus enters the room. Everyone tries to avoid it, but it's still there.

Bet you didn't think I'd find a picture of a pink walrus did you?

Here is a list of situations I find awkward:

1.) The joke-gone-bad

Now most of the time this occurs when someone already senses the pink walrus is just outside the door, and they try to break the tension by telling the first joke that comes to mind. This joke is usually lame in nature and/or doesn't make sense. The pink walrus bursts into the room when there is a.) no laughter or b.) obnoxious loud laughter from the joke teller.

The joke-gone-bad also applies when there is no pink walrus anywhere in sight and then BAM, someone tells an offensive joke. These usually happen at funerals, birthday parties, and any event where there is mixed company of young and old people.

2. The handshake-hug

At some point in your life you are going to commit this socially awkward act. You know that friend that you have that you think you've reached the "hugging stage" with? Well there is a chance that they don't think you two are ready for that yet. This results in the handshake-hug.

Sometimes, the other person will try to make it less awkward and attempt to turn the handshake into a hug.

This always puts you in hug limbo. Hug limbo occurs when neither party knows where their hands should go. One hand was already being extended in a handshake while the other party already has both arms coming towards the other person. Sensing the hug, the person then tries to lower their hand and it gets caught between their body and the other person. Sometimes the hugger will since that the huggee does not want the hug and will attempt to abort the hug while the other person is trying to figure out what to do with their hand. This results in the pat on the back mingled with a fumbled handshake. 

3. The ugly baby

All babies are precious. All babies are sweet. BUT, not all babies are cute. Don't act all shocked and disgusted that I said that. You know it's true. You've been forced to "oooh" and "ahhh" over a baby that you think looks like the Chucky doll.

The question, "Isn't she adorable?!" is usually awkward for many reasons. A) You thought the baby was a boy, B) You laughed, or C) You stare blankly at the person with no response. The normal reaction is lie, lie, lie. However if you answer the question with options a,b, or c the pink walrus will make it's entrance and you need to politely hand the baby back and leave the room.

I have no hints or tips on how to successfully get out of these socially awkward situations. My normal reaction is to leave the room. However, if you leave the room you have to stay gone. The situation gets even more awkward if you have to go back to get an umbrellas or car keys.