McDonalds is McFrustrating!

Does anyone else have difficulties ordering at McDonalds? I always have one of the following things happen:

Scenario 1:  Courtney mistakenly thinks the person is indeed ready to take her order when they say they are ready.

McDonalds: "Thank you for choosing McDonalds. Today's feature is an extra large heart attack. Go ahead with your order when you're ready."

Me: "Yes I'd like a..."

McDonalds:"Hold on a minute, please!"

Scenario 2: Courtney gets interrupted.

McDonalds: "Go ahead with your order."

Me: "I'd like two sweet teas, and..."

McDonalds: "Anything else?"

Me: "Yeah, I'd also like two apple dippers, and..."

McDonalds: "What else for you?"

Me: (sigh) "And, I also want two Grilled Chicken Wraps."

McDonalds: ..........

Me: "And that's all"

McDonalds: "Okay thank you pull around!"

Scenario 3: In order to not be interrupted, Courtney decides to say the entire order at once.

McDonalds: "Go ahead with your order when you are ready."

Me: "I'd like two apple dippers, two sweet teas, and two grilled Ranch wraps."

McDonalds: "You want two apple dippers and what?"

Scenario 4: Courtney apparently mumbles.

McDonalds: "We are featuring our McGreasy McGriddle today. Go ahead with your order when you are ready."

Me: "I want a McDouble, cheese only, and a small fry."

McDonalds: "Two double cheeseburgers and a small fry. Anything else?"

Scenario 5: All the scenarios combine!

McDonalds: "Today's McSpecial is a triple McBurger. Go ahead with your McOrder when you're McReady."

Me: "Yes I'd like a..."

McDonalds: "Hold one a minute please!"

McDonalds: "Okay go ahead with your order."

Me: "Yes, I'd like two apple dippers, two sweet teas..."

McDonalds: "You want two apple pies and what else?"

Me: "No, I want two apple dippers, two sweet teas..."

McDonalds: "Two apple dippers, a sweet tea, and is that all?"

Me: "Two apple dippers, two sweet teas, and two grilled chicken ranch wraps!"

McDonalds: "Okay your total is $7.38. We are only taking cash at this time."

Me: "I'M GOING TO TACO BELL!"

It was just supposed to be a 3 hour tour!!

Is it weird to go back and read your own blogs? I did this last night and I have one question for you people. Why are you still reading this crap?! I am the most random person, ever. I started the blog out as a "cookbook" thing, and we see how far that got. Then I decided I would do a daily list of random. Yeah, that lasted like a month. My final decent from my original plan was when I dropped Reader of the Week. What does that leave?? It leaves me typing away about useless random things. However, my last blog garnered 51 views so apparently I am doing something right! Kinda like Taylor Swift. Her voice sounds like a dying cat mated with an angsty teenage moose, but people still listen to her.

My dislike of Taylor Swift has been my only constant throughout the blog! This last joke was kind of hateful though.  I am convinced that her song "Mean" was written about me. Does that make me vain? Let's ask Carly Simon. Carly, your thoughts?

That spiraled downward pretty quickly didn't it? I'm just gonna move on to the topic I had originally planned to talk about.

Guys, have you ever completely crashed and burned when trying to talk to a girl? I have created a list of reasons as to why you probably got slapped, laughed at, or received a fake number.

1.) Poor hygiene - Showers, take them. Regularly. Toothbrushes are your friend. Toothpaste on the toothbrush is extra bonus points. No female wants to be hit on by someone who thinks showers after the gym are overrated. No female thinks that your "natural scent" is attractive. And no female will ever tell you that your long fingernails are a turn-on. Buy some fingernail clippers and start hacking.

2.) The background on your phone is a picture of yourself - Strategically setting your phone down in front of her so she will see the mirror picture of your abs will not impress her. It will weird her out. I promise.

3.) Within the first 5 minutes of the conversation you referrenced your ex-girlfriend - This is never a good idea. I don't care if your ex-girlfriend died in a tragic shrimp boating accident, don't bring her up. No girl wants to be compared to some dead saint who was saving baby shrimp off the coast of Africa. However, if you bash her you will come off as woman hating a-hole. Just don't bring up any ex. Ever.

4.) You forgot to hide your "trophies" - Asking a girl to come over to your house to watch a movie is a good idea. Asking a girl to come over to your house to watch a movie and forgetting to take down the women's underwear on the wall is a bad idea. This really happened to me. I didn't just make that up. I don't really know how to elaborate on this one. Just don't hang up women's underwear I guess is the moral of that story.

5.) You mentioned your wife - First don't go trolling in bars if you are married, second don't say things like this "She is in a coma at Vandy. It's not cheating if she is pretty much dead right?" or "She beats me and I come here to escape."

6.) Your ringtone was set to "Let's Get It On" - If you are going to choose a ringtone that is not a standard one that comes with the phone make sure it is not creepy. Also, make sure it does not reference "sexing" anyone up or "slapping hoes". Surprisingly enough a ringtone says a lot about you.

7.) You referred to your mother as a "female dog" - Calling your mom terrible names usually indicates you have some sort of issue with women. If you hate your mom just keep that under wraps until the girl thinks you are perfect. Spring it on her then.

8.) You made no eye contact at all - C'mon guys at least try to look at her face.

9.) You used a pick up line - Pick up lines can be clever and will sometimes work. However, if the pick up line is not delivered correctly or is just bad to begin with it will never end well.

10.) You asked a really really dumb question - I know that guys sometimes blank out and they have no idea where the conversation should go next. This is no excuse to ask stupid questions though. Silence is almost better. Let's say you see a pretty girl at a gas station pumping gas. You want to strike up a conversation. Do not ask her "Is that your car?" Of course it is her car idiot. Did you just hear yourself?

There are WAY more reasons guys strike out but my attention span started to lose steam around #8. I hope in the near future you will remember this list and thank me.

Warning: Sarcasm runs rampant in this post

Facebook. It makes me want to chuck my laptop out of the nearest window. I sometimes feel ashamed to own an account after signing on and reading some of my friends and friends of friends status updates. You might ask, "Why don't you just delete the weirdos?" I don't want to. That's why. It's like a car crash. I want to look away, but I just keep staring.


5 Reasons Facebook Makes Me Want to Burn My Laptop


1. Mirror pictures - Get a friend and have them take the picture for you. Your muscles, cute outfit, and new tattoos do not look good in a mirror picture. The phone is a big distraction in the picture. Stop it.

2. Mirror pictures with attention craving captions - "I feel so fat, blah!" or "Don't I look horrible after a run?" No, no you don't. If you did you would not post it on Facebook. 

Looking hideous today, ugh!

3. 15-year-olds - "OMGZZZZZ, Bobby totally just looked at me!!!!!!!!!" Your over use of exclamation points is annoying. No one is ever that excited. Bobby probably thinks you are a stalker now too. Oh, and put some clothes on in your profile picture. Pedophiles have Facebooks.

4. Unreadable status updates - "no1 can read mi status's" , i dnt use vwls whn i typ" , "I odn't poofread after i post soemthing"

5. The "everyday is a bad day" friend - You know who I'm talking about. This person never has a good word to say about their day or life in general. Typical status updates are generally along the lines of this: "when it rains it pours" , "maybe tomorrow will be better" , "some days I just don't want to get out of bed" , "my dog got run over again" , "life sucks and then you die"  Okay we get it. Your life is awful and now I want to come wallow in your self-pity with you. Let's put on some Alanis Morissette, eat ice cream on the couch, and watch "Old Yeller".

Dinosaurs do not get paychecks!

Since none of you felt the need to toss your nomination into the ring for Reader of the Year, I will not be addressing that topic in this blog. Just know...I am displeased.

Moving on from your insolence...I wanted to share with you a few inspirational quotes I found online while searching for a quote worth plagiarizing for my Facebook status. During my quest I stumbled upon this quote....

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.- Helen Keller


Does anyone else find this ironic? Or is it just me? Okay, let's keep going with the quest for inspirational Facebook statuses.

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. - Paul Valery

• So my dream about riding a magical unicorn across the night sky will come true when I wake up?! SWEET!

There is no failure except in no longer trying. - Elbert Hubbard

• Now, when I feel like dropping the bar on my chest and hoping for a quick death; I can remember this quote, and it will remind me that death in a self-inflicted weight lifting "accident" is failure. 

It is idle to dread what you cannot avoid. - Publius Syrus

• I have to disagree with Publius here. It is not idle to dread a large spider. I can avoid a spider. I can avoid a spider with the best of them!

You must look into other people as well as at them. - Lord Chesterfield

•  I understand what Lord Chesterfield is saying here, but I can see how this can be taken a little to literally. I mean look at this guy!

 

Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein

• Tell that to the kid who wanted to grow up and be a dinosaur! 
  

 

 

 

Donuts don't stand a chance!

Have you ever had so many thoughts going through your head that you just felt the need to write them down and share them with people on the internet? Well, get ready for the most random blog yet.

1. I have henceforth decided that there will no longer be a "Reader of the Week". Instead, I have decided to choose one lucky reader to be "Reader of the Year". Right now I am taking nominations. In the lead is Elke Porter with her amazing youtube find that she shared with me.

If you would like to nominate yourself for ROTY, you can look back on previous blog postings for ideas on how to get in my good graces. Good luck to all of you!

2. Remember how I told you that I had a trainer at the gym now? Yes, well....he wants to change my eating habits. He told me....it's so hard to type this....he told me I have to give up...JUNIOR MINTS! I feel so lost sitting here eating pineapple instead of Junior Mints. It doesn't seem right.

Look at how much more complicated this is! I have to unscrew the cap, find a ford, stab the pineapple, make sure I don't drip juice on me, and then screw the cap back on. With a box of Junior Mints all I had to do was open the box and eat the mints. Do you see where I am going with this?! Yes, that's right. Eating healthy is complicated. I knew you'd see my point.

3. There is a box of donuts sitting to my right. They are also much easier to eat than pineapple too. However, the force is strong in this one!

4. I am mad. I had a REALLY deep and insightful point to make here and after I spent 10 minutes typing it out the computer froze, kicked me off the internet, and didn't save what I had written! You know what, I'm not going to write it again. It was good too. You can all thank Mozilla Firefox for ruining this blog.

5. Okay, that was a bit melodramatic. However, I am still not going to retype everything. On a different note, I have decided that my nephew is the most adorable child to ever grace this planet. If you are a mother/father and are reading this...well, you just need to accept this fact. I mean, look at this picture!!

6. I've been flipped off a lot this week by strangers. I think it is because I am a good driver and they are not. I merely suggested with hand gestures to someone that they should indeed proceed me through the intersection even though I was clearly there first. They did not appreciate my kind gesture and flipped me off. I also told another driver with hand gestures that going 30 in a 40 was not safe. They also flipped me off. I was being so nice in these two situations and I only received inappropriate responses! People these days!

7. I don't like sandwich bags. Hear me out on this before you think I'm weird. I don't think it's the sandwich bag I dislike, I think it is the decision I have to make on portions that I hate. I'm always afraid I'll never put enough in the bag and I'll be hungry! Like today for instance, I just grabbed the entire bag of chips because I was starving at that time. Bad idea because now here the chips sit staring at me. But, had I packed a sandwich bag my mind would have told me that was not nearly enough. See my predicament?

Wow. I am almost ashamed of this post. It is the most random thing I do believe I have ever written. Why are you still reading this? Did you skip to the end? I would have.

Helen Keller would hate me

Hi, long time no see! I'm ALIVE! Yeah, this is the awkward part of the blog where I try and just jump back into it and hope that you didn't notice how long it's been since my last post. I'm pretty sure you noticed though. Anyway, here is a random list of things that has transpired since my last writing:

1.) I worked a lot.

2.) I got a new trainer at the gym.

3.) I almost died after my first workout.

4.) I almost died after my second workout.

5.) I didn't show up for the third workout.

6.) I went on vacation.

7.) I bruised my tailbone on vacation.

8.) I threw up on vacation.

9.) I went to my fourth workout.

10.) I can't feel my legs.

And that is my last couple of weeks in a nutshell. Are you impressed? You should be.

Today, I have decided to share with you a list of things that I want to complain about. I'm sure you don't want to read it, but I can't feel my legs AND I wore a white shirt in the rain today. That seems like enough excuses to be whiny. Right? Let's take a poll.

1.) I hate how people forget how to drive in Tennessee when it rains! For instance, on the interstate today, I felt as if almost every person around me had forgotten what their gas pedal did. "Oh gosh, I've hit 55 miles an hour perhaps I should slam on my brakes in order to slow down!"

2.) The express lanes at grocery stores bug me. They always have the longest lines. It completely defeats the purpose of an express lane. There will be 15 people in line with one item and all the other lanes will be open. Also, it never fails that someone who has lost the ability to count will get in the express lane. The sign clearly says 10 items and there is always that one person who likes to push the limit. "I have 20 small items. It won't take long."

3.) I don't understand why people continue to shoot off fireworks AFTER the 4th of July. Hey, you are no longer being patriotic and festive, you are being annoying! And to my neighbors who purchased ungodly amounts of useless bottle rockets, at least yell "God Bless America!" or "Let Freedom Ring" as you chase each other around the neighborhood with them. I'd be a little less annoyed.

4.) Emo kids. Really?? "Woe as me. I grew up in the suburbs. Both my parents love me. I have a dog named Scruff. I steal my mom's makeup and put it on the dark. I scrape my wrist with a safety pin to release the pain. I hate the sun. Hair cuts are overrated. My grandmother gave me $50 for my birthday. I dress just like my friends in an effort to be different. Life is terrible."

5.) And finally...I CANNOT stand when people have no idea that they are walking in the middle of the lane in grocery store parking lots. The lane is wide enough for two cars, yet a family of three somehow manages to block the entire thing. My favorite part is one of the family members suddenly realizes they are indeed in the middle of the lane and attempts to herd the rest of the family off to the side. Or another good scenario is when a couple decides to be all lovey-dovey in the middle of the lane and when you start creeping up behind them in hopes they will move they shoot you dirty looks for ruining their "moment". You know what, stop having "moments" in a parking lot and I'll stop ruining them.

I mean c'mon now! Look at all that room to scoot over! They are right in the middle!

Well I feel better now. I hope you enjoyed my rant(s). If you are a 20 item person, emo kid, half of the lovey-dovey lane taker-upper couple, terrible bad weather driver, or an after 4th of July fireworks shooter, I hope we can still be friends after this!