Dear Self, You are not Babe Ruth. Love, Yourself

Wow. I am so sorry to anyone that actually keeps up with my blog! To make up for my absence I plan to cover the daily list of random, What I'm Loving Wednesday, Thankful Thursday, and Fun Fact Friday all in one list! Prepare to have your mind blown!

1. I participated in my first game of softball after five long years of not playing. One word will sum up my experience: Ouch.  Instead of taking it slow and playing it safe I went all out in an effort to prove to my new teammates that I didn't suck after five years of inactivity. I don't think I succeeded. The first thing that went wrong was that they put me in outfield. I told them that I could only play infield due to my horrible depth perception. Staying true to my word that I sucked in the outfield, two balls came my way and I missed both of them. By a lot. I didn't even come close to the second one.

 Besides this guy being black..and a guy...this is exactly how the play went down.

So I told myself to shake it off and do better in the batter's box. They put as last to bat. My pride was hurt but when I struck out the first time I agreed they had made the right decision. Thankfully, I hit every time after that. Even if they were crappy hits I still made contact with the ball. My shining moment was when I decided to really prove myself and steal home. I was running my little heart out completely unaware that the catcher was about to catch the ball at home. I decided a little too late to slide. I ran smack into her and ended up on the ground with my foot on the plate.

 This is an exact reenactment of what happened.

I was safe!! I scored a run! Me! The sucky last to bat right fielder scored a run! However I bruised my shin, skinned my elbow, and bruised my lower left rib. I am hoping next Monday I do better.

2. Here is "What I'm Loving Wednesday" in a nutshell: old people, birds that eat cicadas, bagel bites, and coupons for expensive juice.

3. Thankful Thursday in a nutshell: pains pills, heating pads, Benedryl, and birds that eat cicadas.

4. Fun Fact Friday: Here is a bit of irony for you...

Jim Henson developed an allergy to fleece.

5. This week's Reader of the Week is....*drum roll*....Andrew James! Andrew is one of my nearest and dearest childhood friends. He lives in Washington D.C. now and I don't get to see him nearly as much as I would like to. I got to eat lunch with Andrew this week and since he regularly comments on my blog I decided to choose him to be ROTW! Your prize is that everyone gets to look at this adorable picture of me and you and say "awww!" You're welcome!

This took me three hours to write! I am done for today. It was kind of lame, I know. I promise to get back on track one of these days! Until tomorrow I leave you with this thought that has been bugging me...what language (if any) do hearing impaired people think in?

Machetes must be more efficient

Happy Saturday! I am sorry I skipped yesterday! I'll make up for it today, promise. Let's get started.

1.) This is a special edition of Reader of the Week because there are two!! The first is....Dr. Catherine Smith! She was just picked as Teacher of the Year at Cumberland University, and I for one, couldn't be happier for her. She was one of the best teacher's I ever had at CU. She is also a daily reader of Cowboy Cookies which is the main reason she got picked this week :-)  The second Reader of the Week was a late write in. Congratulations Chad Jones! Chad, without being asked, brought me a box of Junior Mints to work. His thoughtfulness won him a spot as ROTW. Both of you will receive fame from my blog as well as from my Facebook posting. That is a double dose! You're welcome!

2.) I finally found a softball team to play on in my old age! I've been looking for a women's slow pitch softball team for 18+ and I have finally found one! My first game is on Monday. I am nervous and excited at the same time. It' been 5 years since I last played an organized game of softball. I have 3 goals for the game:
                        1. Avoid getting hit in the face
                        2. Hit the ball at least once
                        3. Don't embarrass myself

Do you see what I did there? I put a list within a list.

3. Fun Fact Friday!!

The number of axe murders has dropped every year in the United States since 1970, while machete murders have nearly quadrupled.

I just remembered I didn't ever tell you the story about how I almost got arrested at basketball game! However, I have decided not to tell the story. Upon reflection it was not my proudest moment. Though it was hilarious and I incited a riot I think it's best I just leave that story alone.



I'm losing steam today so I'm going to go ahead and end it here. I will probably have a wonderful story to tell you about my softball game on Monday. I hope you have a happy Mother's Day!

Coupons for Bagel Bites?! No way!!!

¡Hola mis estimados lectores! ¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! I am not sure if what I said is correct, but we will go with it! In honor of yet another holiday that makes no sense for Americans to celebrate, I have posted my favorite politically incorrect video!

I have neglected the daily list of random lately, but it's back now!

1.) My job frequently involves people asking me questions. Good questions, stupid questions, insightful questions, weird questions..questions, questions, questions. I really think that some of these people are under the impression that I have a crystal ball sitting in front of me. I wonder if this is what people picture me doing when I say "I don't know".

2.) If you do not poke holes in your $.69 Banquet pot pie before you heat it up it ends up looking disfigured.

3.) I discovered that among my 40 readers, my mother is not one of them. She admitted she did not read my blog nor did she intend on doing so. I forced her to at least look at my pictures, but I realized that most of my pictures did not make sense without the text. I know who won't be getting an autographed laptop when I become famous!


Today is Thankful Thursday!

Today I am thankful for....

1.) Tasty $.69 pot pies

2.) Free donuts

3.) Oil prices dropping 9% today

4.) All our armed forces who fight daily to keep us safe

5.) Coupons for $1.00 off Bagel Bites

Is it Thursday yet?

Today is supposed to be "What I'm Loving Wednesday". However, I think I could write a longer blog on "What I'm Not Loving Wednesday". I went against my gut instinct and actually got out of bed at 8am this morning. My body and mind were telling me get back under the covers, but I ignored both. My day pretty much went downhill from that point.

I typed out five things that contributed to my awful day, but I erased them because I didn't want first time readers to think I was a Debbie Downer. Maybe "What I'm Loving Wednesday" will improve my mood....

I'm loving...

The weather we had today! It was sunny but not melt-your-face-off hot.

The fact that I finally have a tan! Sort of. I am at least a darker shade of pale now!

My new sheets I bought at the Southern Women's Show. They are 800 thread-count. I feel fancy!

I am getting a lot of feedback on my blog! I estimated that I have about 40 readers now!



It's short and sweet today. I am in a mood that is not conducive to blogging! Check back tomorrow for a story on how I almost got arrested at basketball game!

Your baby is so....small?

I'm going to skip the daily list of random and launch right into the topic today. I think we can all relate to what I'm going to talk about.

Have you ever been caught in an awkward social situation? You know what I'm talking about. Everything is going great and then BAM, the large awkward pink walrus enters the room. Everyone tries to avoid it, but it's still there.

Bet you didn't think I'd find a picture of a pink walrus did you?

Here is a list of situations I find awkward:

1.) The joke-gone-bad

Now most of the time this occurs when someone already senses the pink walrus is just outside the door, and they try to break the tension by telling the first joke that comes to mind. This joke is usually lame in nature and/or doesn't make sense. The pink walrus bursts into the room when there is a.) no laughter or b.) obnoxious loud laughter from the joke teller.

The joke-gone-bad also applies when there is no pink walrus anywhere in sight and then BAM, someone tells an offensive joke. These usually happen at funerals, birthday parties, and any event where there is mixed company of young and old people.

2. The handshake-hug

At some point in your life you are going to commit this socially awkward act. You know that friend that you have that you think you've reached the "hugging stage" with? Well there is a chance that they don't think you two are ready for that yet. This results in the handshake-hug.

Sometimes, the other person will try to make it less awkward and attempt to turn the handshake into a hug.

This always puts you in hug limbo. Hug limbo occurs when neither party knows where their hands should go. One hand was already being extended in a handshake while the other party already has both arms coming towards the other person. Sensing the hug, the person then tries to lower their hand and it gets caught between their body and the other person. Sometimes the hugger will since that the huggee does not want the hug and will attempt to abort the hug while the other person is trying to figure out what to do with their hand. This results in the pat on the back mingled with a fumbled handshake. 

3. The ugly baby

All babies are precious. All babies are sweet. BUT, not all babies are cute. Don't act all shocked and disgusted that I said that. You know it's true. You've been forced to "oooh" and "ahhh" over a baby that you think looks like the Chucky doll.

The question, "Isn't she adorable?!" is usually awkward for many reasons. A) You thought the baby was a boy, B) You laughed, or C) You stare blankly at the person with no response. The normal reaction is lie, lie, lie. However if you answer the question with options a,b, or c the pink walrus will make it's entrance and you need to politely hand the baby back and leave the room.

I have no hints or tips on how to successfully get out of these socially awkward situations. My normal reaction is to leave the room. However, if you leave the room you have to stay gone. The situation gets even more awkward if you have to go back to get an umbrellas or car keys.

Who needs enemies when I have my best friend

Blimey! It has been a bloody beautiful day today. I was chuffed to bits when I woke up this morning full of beans and not feeling knackered! Okay enough of that waffle, let's take a shufti at the daily list of random.

1.) Unless you live under a rock, you know that today was the Royal wedding. In honor of this momentous and slightly useless occasion, I wrote my greeting in British slang. I had planned to write the whole blog that way but the greeting took me 20 minutes, and I'm not sure if I used the words right.

2.) This week's Reader of the Week is.....Teresa Fisher! Ms. Teresa really came through for me on Wednesday. I had to work third shift on Tuesday night so she did my Meals on Wheels route for me in the pouring rain! Ms. Teresa your reward for being the ROTW is a free pass on your Monday route. If you ever need me to do it for you I'm available! You're welcome!

3.) Today is Fun Fact Friday! Contain your excitement! Here it is....

 Princess Diana had her navel pierced - and fitted with a 2.8-carat diamond stud. 

 

Today's blog is going to be about my adventure to Rivergate mall today. About a month ago I received a coupon in the mail for a free underwear from Victoria Secret. If you know me, you know that "free" is my favorite word. You can imagine my dismay when I realized last week that my precious coupon was expiring! I formulated a plan to spend $15.00 in gas to redeem my free pair of underwear today. Don't judge my logic. I needed running shoes too!

I decided instead to invite my best friend, Cory, and force him to drive thus saving my money. He needed jeans and a t-shirt anyway so I'm not that bad of a person. After a quick Google consultation, it was decided that Rivergate was indeed closer than Stones River. So off we go to Rivergate, or the Ghetto Mall. This is when we encountered our first adventure. The youngster beside us in a teal green Saturn with an obnoxious muffler that sounded like it was "tooting" decided that he wanted to race. Why? I don't know. 

So the guy drives by and has his window rolled down. He gives the "let's do this" head nod. We in turn give him the "you're a dork" head shake. The guy then proceeds to speed off in search of another car to race. Cory, not to be outdone by a 19-year-old, proceeds to go 100mph down Old Hickory Blvd until he does a "fly-by" of this guy in the Saturn. Everyone remember my fear of bridges? Okay now imagine my fear as we fly over that old bridge on OHB. I'm pretty sure I left an indention of my fingers on the arm rest.

The Saturn guy wasn't going to let it rest though. He weaved in and out of traffic until he was able to fly by us with one last nod of the head and a "toot" of his muffler. He thought he was cool and that's all that mattered. 

So we made it to Rivergate unscathed. I needed some running shoes so I went in Champs in search of them. As we were walking out of Champs (empty handed) a couple walked out of the "urban" store. They were odd right off the bat. She was a large girl with corn rows and he was a very skinny guy with saggy jeans. But it didn't stop there. He had tight rolled the bottom of his baggy jeans. Yes, you read that correctly. A.) Who tight rolls jeans anymore and B.) who tight rolls saggy/baggy jeans? We followed them for a few minutes attempting to take pictures. This is the best one we could get.

If you squint you can see that they are tight rolled just above the ankle and then the bottom is flipped up. He had a good 6 inches of ankle showing and about the same amount of boxers showing at the top. I think him and his girlfriend heard the camera because they became dodgy and wouldn't stand still for a picture. 

Sadly, I left the mall with only my free underwear and a blurry picture of a stranger's jeans. None of the shoe stores had my shoes! But at least I didn't waste money on gas! Oh and did I mention that I almost died? My "best friend" decided to pass gas, get out of the car, and then locked me inside. It was awful. My life flashed before my eyes. 

And that ends my adventure to Rivergate Mall. The moral of the story is "no matter how much gas you will save or how fearful you are of driving in heavy traffic, never take a man-child to a mall."