Dear Courtney...

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and slap yourself in the head and say, "Stop it!"? Don't hate me for ripping off Brad Paisley but.....

Dear 16-year-old Courtney,

Put down the homework. I know that is what you are doing right now. Stop it. High school does not have to be as serious as you are making it. I promise. You will still graduate with a perfectly acceptable GPA and get into college. The college English class is a good idea so don't drop it, but there is no need for Honors Algebra 2. You suck at math, don't torture yourself.

Don't paint your room that awful color blue. I know you have not picked out the color yet, but you'll know it when you see it. Don't do it.

Your hair is a hot mess. Go look in the mirror. Do you see that?? Buy a straightener a.s.a.p. You'll appreciate this when you look back on your year book pictures. If you don't buy one, prepare to be made fun of in the future. Trust me, I know.

I know it is hard but make sure you visit Grandmother a lot. You'll wish you had.

I hate to break it to you like this, but you break up with "Bob" in two years. I know you thought you'd be together forever blah blah blah. Sorry to be so blunt, but at least now you will consider taking that UT scholarship. I'm not saying take it, but at least think about your options. Don't let a boy dictate where you go to college.

Speaking of college....HAVE FUN! You definitely do NOT have to make straight As. I know you will think that you do, but you don't. Go out. Meet people. Make sure you take as many of Dr. Smith's classes as possible. However, make sure you are awake when you attend her classes. Turn down the nomination for Homecoming queen...it was embarrassing. Oh, and please, please, please don't take Intermediate Algebra. You suck at math but not that badly. It was a giant waste of your time.


I know there is a lot more I could say, but I am actually writing this on a blog too and I didn't want my readers to get bored. Just so you know you have an awesome blog called Cowboy Cookies and thousands hundreds a few people actually read it! Remember, "don't be sad, be awesome instead."


Love always,
Your (almost) 23-year-old self

Teddy Ruxpin knows when you are sleeping

Happy Friday, Readers! There is not going to be a daily list of random today because I am entirely too lazy to think of things to put on the list. However, I have chosen a Reader of the Week!

**********drum roll**********

Doralyn Liddell

Dora just graduated from nursing school! She also always comments on my blogs. Which gave her way more points than the nursing degree. Congratulations Dora on being this week's ROTW! Your prize is eternal friendship. You're welcome.

*****If you were an 80s or 90s child you will understand and appreciate the content contained in this blog.*****

How many of you have looked back on your childhood and thought, "Wow, we had some creepy toys." And by creepy I mean that the toy produced a terror in your soul that would haunt you in your dreams years down the road. Of course at the time we thought these instruments of Satan were fun and cuddly. Looking back now though we see that these toys were obviously not created by people who had children. Or even knew what a child looked like. 

Take for instance the Teddy Ruxpin. Teddy was an easy way for parents to get out of reading stories to their children. In 1992 he appeared to be a soft cuddly bear who would read stories to you and take you on splendid adventures. Looking back I have no idea why I was not curled up in the fetal position hiding under my bed. They gave him amber colored eyes. Who gives a bear red eyes?? They also poorly disguised the tape player inside his body so he constantly made grinding and popping noises. I found my Teddy Ruxpin in the garage last year and much to my horror...he still worked. His batteries had to be almost 15 years old, but yet he still talked! You can't tell me that isn't creepy! Here is a video I took of my Teddy...if you listen closely you can hear him summon the Dark Lord.

 

There was one toy that I believe struck fear into the hearts of children even back in the 90s. It was creepy then and it is creepy now. That toy was the Furby!

I can't even look at it! Why doesn't it have arms?? The makers of this toy intended for it to be like a replacement pet. They gave it the ability to to play and learn without you having to clean up after it. Why did I want an armless hard ball of fur to play with?? The creators of this demon toy had a cruel sense of humor though. Does everyone remember this seemingly cuddly animal??

You see my point now?! I had a very frightening run-in with my Furby that resulted in it having its batteries ripped from it. In an effort to make it even more creepy the creators made it so that the furry demon could sense light. It also would learn your name and imitate the phone ringing. I couldn't ever get it to shut up at night because I had a street light that shined in my window. I decided to stick the fur ball in my closet one night in an effort to get some sleep. In the darkness this is what I heard...

Well you know what Furby?! I'm scared of the dark now too. Thanks.

One final creepy toy of the 80s and 90s is the American Girl dolls. I can't believe they are still around. I don't care what anyone says, they are not cute or adorable. They are weird. They don't bend. They stand up on their own. And they stare at you in the night.

Look at them. It's like a little army of possessed dolls. Have you ever woken up to one of these staring at you?? It's terrifying. And why do people want one that looks just like them? I don't want a doll version of myself staring at me while I sleep. *shudder*

Well that was a fun rant. Hope you enjoyed that. I'm probably going to have nightmares now.

Don't get too excited...it's not that good.

By a show of hands, who all thought I was dead? Anyway....here is the exceptionally long list of all the things you've missed in my absence.

1.) I got married! And I have a kid!

Okay I wasn't gone that long, but you gotta admit...it was a long time.

2.) I have not had Junior Mints in two weeks! Say whaaat?! I felt like I was consuming an unhealthy amount of them so I decided to back off.

3.) I bought the coolest shirt ever yesterday!

4.) I have gotten a tiny bit better at softball. I have not done anything stupid in the past 4 games which is a major improvement! I was beginning to think I was the sucky kid who no one wanted to play with but they gotta have 10 players so they let me play anyway. I actually still think that, BUT I'm not AS sucky as I was at the beginning. Baby steps!

5.) I saw the must disturbing, weird, gross-looking thing at the mall...

Ahh!! It's the Cookie Monster!!! Ha. Get it? Cause she is on a cookie....?

*cough*

Why would anyone do this to a cookie? Cookies are the embodiment of all things good and these people ruined it.

6.) Lebanon has a Dairy Queen now! Words cannot describe how happy I am about this. Apparently it has been here for a few weeks and I was completely unaware!! I'm considering an Oreo Blizzard after I get off work actually.

7.) Earlier today someone asked me if I was old enough to drive. Really? Seriously? I've been over the age of 16 for 7 years now!! And the first person to tell me in the comments "you'll appreciate that when you're 40" will be banned from my blog...forever.

8.) Doralynn I just read my Facebook....you are banned.


That was a lot of writing for my first day back! I think I'll stop while I'm ahead.

And that's why I'm awesome

The blog today is going to be a long one. I hope I do not lose you somewhere a long the way. I'll throw in a lot of pictures to keep you amused! Here is the daily list of random.

1.) I've discovered this juice called GoodBelly. It is a probiotic that helps your digestive tract. I think yogurt was created by the Devil so I do not get the regular dose of probiotics that I need. I paid $3.00 for a carton of Pomegranate Blackberry flavored GoodBelly juice. This is not regular juice people. I don't know what it is. It is the consistency of skim milk and looks like blood. It tastes alright, but I don't think I'll be spending $3.00 on it again anytime soon. It kind of freaks me out.

2.) I have not had Junior Mints in almost a week. I've having withdrawals. I don't believe in moderation when it comes to Junior Mints so I had to quit them cold-turkey. Me thinks this was a bad idea.

It is really hard to draw stick figures twitching in the fetal position. Use your imagination.

3.) I'd probably sell one of my unimportant organs for an Oreo Blizzard right now. Or for a box of Junior Mints.



Okay moving right along into story time! Today's story is brought to you by the year 1992.

This is the story about how I saved my best friend's life. I am going to be honest. This story is slightly fabricated because I was only four when it happened. I remember the major parts but some have been filled in through the power of imagination.

Every summer from 1992 til 1997 I attended a day-time summer camp. This place was a kiddie paradise. Three playgrounds, big in-ground pool, and a barn full of games and toys. The only bad part about the camp was Playground 2. I hated Playground 2. Every manner of insect lived on that playground. The worst part was the long walk. It was located at the very edge of the farm in some woods. The owner kept the grass tall to bail it up later for hay so there was a straight path cut through a field to get the dreaded playground. In this tall grass lived swarms of very large bees. These were mutant bees!! They were huge and black and sounded like a small jet plane when they flew past your ear.

 This is in no way an exaggeration ....

My favorite movie at this time was the newly released "My Girl". If you have seen this movie you know that the main character's best friend is killed when a swarm of bees attack him. Okay, now imagine my 4-year-old horror at having to walk through a field of them. My best friend just happened to be a boy who wore glasses just like the character that had died. I was convinced that poor Andrew was a goner if the bees turned on us. I decided that I would protect him on our first journey through the field. I grabbed Andrew's hand and made him sprint with me so as to avoid his untimely death. We made it to the other side unscathed thankfully. Andrew was not actually allergic to bees but at that age I just assumed if a lot of them stung you that you died. I saw bees as an insect that would murder you in your sleep with no remorse.

And that's the story about how I saved my best friend's life...and why I'm awesome.

Cicadas...they are evil, and talk with an accent.

Happy Wednesday! I know most, if not all of you, are excited about getting over the "hump" in the week. Here is the daily list of random!

1.) If you are a prayerful person I'd like for you to remember one of Meals on Wheels recipients in your prayers tonight. She was gardening today and fell down. Her neighbor called 9-1-1 and she was rushed to the hospital. I have not heard any more news, I am just hoping she is okay. Please send good thoughts her way!

2.) I had my first encounter with a cicada today. I'm not going to lie, it was frightening. I know now why everyone is freaking out about them. It flew directly into my ear. Actually, it dive bombed me! Here is an exact rendering of what happened:

Yes, I yelled in slow motion. And yes, the cicada spoke like a pirate.

3.) I am very depressed about my car. I have kept it immaculate (on the outside) since the day I bought it and now it is covered in cicada guts. I'm convinced they stain your windshield. I can't get them off! They don't just hit your windshield either. They smash into it full force and then violently explode. It's like they are under the impression they will receive 72 virgin cicadas upon impact.

It is now time for What I'm Loving Wednesday!

1. I am loving the fact that it is swimming pool weather!

2. I am loving that in 9 days I get to see Willie Nelson live in Nashville!

3. I am loving my gradually growing hair that is now almost to my shoulder blades!

4. I am loving this new book I'm reading, even though it keeps me up late at night because I can't put it down.

5. I am love, love, loving my newly discovered obsession with Apple Cranberry juice!



That's all for today! Tomorrow will be story time again!

And that's why yellow makes me sad...

Hello my dear Readers!! I have been out of commission for 3 days now because some evil person infected my computer with a virus!

I have a lot to share with you so here is the always entertaining list of randomness:


1.) I attempted to make fudge cake for Cookbook Monday. It was so awful I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture of it. Mammy's instructions were to "cook it slowly". There was no degree for the oven or a time for the timer. I was simply supposed to "cook it slowly". I put the oven on 350 and it was still bubbly and runny after 30 minutes. I decided to leave it 15 more minutes. Somehow it instantly decided to cook and it became a blackened brick. Needless to say I was very distraught! Next Monday is "Tanya's Sugar Cookies." Hopefully I won't screw those up too!

This is a dramatization of what my cake looked like. 

 

2.) Here is another shortened, condensed version of "What I'm Loving Wednesday": 1.) People who don't abuse coupons, 2.) the new Kroger, and 3.) no cicadas in my yard!

3.) Short and sweet "Thankful Thursday": 1.) No cicadas in my yard, 2.) my sweet, adorable nephew, and 3.) Baked Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips

4.) Fun fact Friday!

If you are over 100 years old, there is an 80% chance you are a woman.

 

5.) There were two competitors for Reader of the Week this time. It was a tight race but someone had to come out on top. This week's ROTW is....*pause for suspense*....Jamie Cook! She told me that she missed my randomness and she also comments on every blog. I think she is stalking me, but I consider that a form of flattery so I'll let it pass. Jamie, for your prize, you will receive a lock of my hair to add to your shrine. You're welcome.


Today, I am going to tell you about my first and only fight I ever got into! Let me start off with some back story.

The fight occurred in the summer of 1993. I was 5-years-old. Don't ask me how or why I remember this...I just do. I was under the impression that I was just "one of the guys". I refused to play with the other girls on the playground. I also would only wear black high tops as seen in the picture below.

All that being said, I was not afraid to say I'd fight other boys in order to prove I was tough enough to play with them. One day my group of friends decided to pick on the weird kid at day care. He never combed his hair and wore shoes that didn't match. That was grounds for getting beat up when you are 5. I was the yellow power ranger and my friends were the other colors.

 

I leaped from my perch on top of the concrete tunnel and kicked the poor kid right in the butt. The chase was on then. He ran fast for a kid who was wearing two different shoes. We finally cornered him up against the fence using our imaginary weapons. He was yelling at us to leave him alone and we were yelling random quotes from episodes we had seen. Feeling trapped and out numbered he decided to attempt a last ditch attempt at freedom. So he karate kicked me right in the mouth. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, but it hurt. A lot. Probably a lot more than his kick in the butt I gave him. Anyways, the yellow Power Ranger was down and the rest of my group was crowded around me. My sister swooped in out of nowhere and scooped me up. She ran me inside where I was given an icy pop by a teacher. The pampering lasted about 5 minutes until it was discovered that I was the one who started the fight. I had to sit in time out until my mom picked me up.

The moral of the story? The yellow Power Ranger sucked. No one liked her anyway.